The Journey of Us

Sir is the love of my life. I met Him 20 years ago. We married 15 years ago. Our journey had been a long, hard one. But I would not have changed it for anything.

I was 20 when Sir and I met. He was in the last months of His divorce from His first wife. I was a stupid girl. I was jealous and self-absorbed and very insecure. Sir was looking for someone to be with and have fun. But He wanted no commitment. Our relationship was rocky, but we loved each other. And every time we broke up, some how we always come back together. I remember one time on the back of Sir’s motorcycle. I put my arms around Him and told Him I love you and I am going to marry you. He laughed and told me it was not going to happen. Huh, think I won that round. A few years into our relationship, we moved in together. We were going along, living life and life does what it does best, screws you up.

Sir had a horrible accident. I remember the moment so clearly. It changed things for us forever. I was standing there when the page came out over the pagers of His fellow firefighters. I remember the looks on the faces of them when they found out it was one of theirs they were responding to. I remember them coming to me and telling me Sir was hurt. I remember it all. Sir was taken by ambulance to the nearest hospital then by flight for life to a head and neck trauma center in one of the best hospitals in the area. Sir had broken His first and seventh cervical vertebrae, the nurse explained to me. We are unsure the extend of permanent damage. We will know more when He wakes up. But, be prepared, she had explained. She walked me past several rooms, one containing a young man who was sleeping. She told me that young man had injuries similar to Sir’s, and he would never walk again. I was sleep deprived, cried out, hungry and unable to process what she was saying. All I knew at that point was that my Sir was in a hospital bed and may never walk again. I went home to take a shower and eat. I prayed all the way home. During the ride I decided no matter what the outcome, I was in this for the long haul. I would do whatever Sir needed from me to get though this. When I returned to the hospital a few hours later they had Sir up and walking. It was a beautiful sight.

Sir healed with no real lasting affects physically. Every so often a neck crack, but nothing more. Mentally though, He was a mess. He was depressed. He drank a lot and wasn’t coming home. He was not interested in me or us. We lived together but nothing else. It was hard. I blamed myself. I thought it was me. I tried to be a better girlfriend. I thought I was fat and ugly. I was a mess and so was Sir. And again here comes life.

I got pregnant. First with our son. Then our daughter came along 14 months later. When I got pregnant life changed for me. I no longer cared what people thought. I no longer could feel sorry for myself and try to please Sir. I needed to get it together. It was not just me anymore. It was me and my kids. Sir and I married a month before our son was born. We married because I was pregnant. Not because we wanted to. I loved Sir and He loved me. But we were so messed up individually that we were a train wreck together.

We tried to live a happy married life. Sir was drinking more and not coming home. I was angry and hurt. I was a single mom married to a man who I loved and hated at the same time. I became as self-destructive as Sir. Sir drank to cover His personal pain. I ate. I gained a lot of weight. Then when I could no longer stand what saw in the mirror, I started to binge and purge. I lost a lot of weight. Men started to notice me. My confidence grew. Sir was not paying any attention to me. He was finding attention elsewhere. So I decided to too. I left Sir. I moved out. I went to another man. Sir found me that night. He pulled me out of that man’s arms, literally. He looked me in the eyes. Told me we are going to work this out. He told me this was not over. I was married to Him and that was not going to change. I needed to hear that. For so long, I thought Sir and I were done. He put His heart out there. I told Him fine, one month. Get help and you show me change. He had to get help for the depression and we had to fix us. That conversation took place 6 years ago. He worked on himself. I worked on me. We worked in us.

While we were working on our marriage, I knew that there was something missing for me. I was reading BDSM erotica. I would fantasize about it. I would drop hints to Sir. I wanted to have a life that involved me being submissive to Him. But, I was not sure what he wanted. So I just kept it all to myself. Living one way in the real world and another in my head. Sir is such a soft caring soul. I didn’t know if He could dominate me. Sir had also been living a split life. He was searching out BDSM porn online. He wanted to dominate me in the bedroom, at least. But I am such a strong personality. He did not know if I would give up control.  Ah, and here rolls in life one more time.  (Sigh… )

One drunk night Sir decided to push the boundaries. He handcuffed me to bed. Something we had done before. But this time He hit me. One, two, three hard smack. He hit me so hard my ears rung. I was devastated and cried. I had no idea what the hell He was doing. He was so distraught. We were broken again. I wanted to leave. I wanted to get out. I was afraid of Sir. He was trying so hard to win me back. Sir went back to his old crutch and drank again. A lot. He came home one night and we had sex. I was trying to reconnect with Him. He was drunk and vile and stupid. He didn’t make love to me or even have sex with me. He fucked me. I was so hurt by the things He said I pulled away more. Sir was drinking whiskey. He was mean. He would do things and not remember.

Sir wanted this fixed. Only I couldn’t find it in me to try again. Sir was never violent. I had no idea what was going on with Him. Hitting me, vile language, name calling, rough sex with nothing behind it. I was lost. And I wanted to go. My head kept screaming GO GO GO!! GET THE HELL OUT NOW!! But something in my heart whispered stay. Stay and see what happens. He is a good man and loves you. I went to Sir. I sat down with Him. I wanted to know what happened. This was my last stand with Him. He has given me excuse after excuse after excuse. He was sinking lower and lower. He was drinking and I was afraid for Him. He finally told me about the online porn and His desire to dominate. He told me that He was afraid to tell me. He thought I might think Him crazy or sick or perverted. I could only look at Him with nothing but love. This man, the man who I had been blessed with, was finally the piece of the puzzle I wanted for so long. I came totally clean with Sir. I told Him what I wanted and how we had been going in a circle, hiding the same thing. Only there was no need to.

On that day Sir and I decided to look into this lifestyle. I searched everything. I read everything. Sir and I worked together to fix our relationship. We embraced the honesty and openness preached by all those in the life. I opened up to Sir about my need to not be in control. I told Him I was strong only because I had to be. He talked to me about how He felt I over rode everything He said. We looked at contracts and protocols. We build a new relationship from the ground up. We took on this new lifestyle and never looked back. It was the best thing that could have ever happened to us. It took our broken relationship and made it beautiful.