In my submission there is always a lesson learned. Often times it is mine to learn. But, sometimes, it is mine to teach. Either way, I always learn something. *babydoll
For the last few months Sir and I have been going in this circle. Something needs to change in this D/s dynamic. Ok here is the change. Change it. Nothing changes. Again, something needs to change. Ok so here is the change… and on and on and on. The changes are not happening not because we are not changing. They are not happening because I am not clear in how I ask Sir for what I need. Then I get angry with Him. I yell and pout. I shut down. Sir tries to figure out what went wrong. He becomes frustrated and pulls away. We talk and think things are figured out. Then as life goes along, we start this dysfunctional, frustrating dance all over again.
So, this time after shut down, I went to Sir after a Dom on our Facebook page said something that had never occurred to me. He stated that when His sub shuts down He feels like He is failing. Did Sir feel like He was failing me? I feel like I am failing Him. We keep doing this over and over. It was getting old fast and I felt it was my fault. Was He internalizing my flaws as His failures to lead me?
Sir and I came together and had a true heart to heart. You know what I am talking about. The kind when you walk away you just know things are going to be better. Sir and I took away lessons that will serve us in the future. We both had a lightbulb moment.
Lesson 1: Sir is human. He does internalize my failings as His failings. He knows I am stubborn. He knows I shut down. He knows that I attack first and ask questions later. But, He takes all of my flaws and makes them His failure because He can’t help me though them. He does, many times. But some of these are old flaws. Old ways of dealing with things that protect me and my feelings. They are mine. I need to fix them. He can help me but he can not fix them. Only I can.
Speaking of flaws… Lesson 2: I need to work on my flaws. I learned long ago to rely only on myself and not those around me. If you read my past blog on how we came into this lifestyle then you know that I spent a lot of time on my own. While I am not longer in that situation, I still rely on those defenses when I think I need them. They saved me before. But, now I am no longer alone. I have Sir to rely on. I need to give up the past and put my trust in Him more. I need to stop shutting my emotions in, I need to let Him see and know who I am. I am not always strong. I am not always independent, I am not always big and bad and tough. And truthfully, sometimes I don’t want to be.
So, letting Sir in means… Lesson 3: I need to be clear in what I want. I need to stop with all the emotional attacking and pouting and poor me. I need to go to Sir and say I need this and this and this. I need to be clear and to the point. Sir does not read minds. He can not read mine and I don’t really think He want in there anyway. I went to Sir and told Him, I need you to do this. I want you to do this. I was specific. Since then, I got what I asked for. Oh… So I guess KISS works. KISS: Keep It Simple Stupid.
And in line with KISS… Lesson 4: Sir needs to follow though. He is so laid back sometimes He takes for granted that I know things and He does not have to do some of the simple things. I need to hear that I am doing a good job. I need to hear good girl. Sir will tell me He loves me often. He is gentle and kind. But, I love you is not the same as you are a good girl. You did good today babydoll. I try hard to be submissive. I try hard to follow all the rules we have. I know Sir is proud of me when I do well. But I need to HEAR IT. I also need to hear when I am bad too. I need to know that He is disappointed in me. I need to know that I did wrong. Tell me. Do not internalize it. I need Sir to not think it is His failure. I need Him to hold me accountable for the things I am responsable for. My failure is mine. Failure to correct me is His.
And now the subject of correction… Lesson 5: Correction is to be done ASAP. Sir and I have kids and jobs and a life and family and stuff. So sometimes, things can not be handled right away. But they can not wait days either. Sir needs to correct me within a set amount of time. We have decided on 24 hours. He can not wait days. That means nothing to me. I need to have it soon after for it to be effective. My brain does not make the connection if it had been too long. If He waits too long, I just give up caring.
Lastly, the subject of time… Lesson 6: Sir and I need to make time. We are so busy we push things off. We have been pushing off our relationship and putting things on the back burner. We have not spent much time together. Play time had been all but non-existent. Sex? What is that? I am so tired and burned out. I am stressed from work. I am not clear in what I need. I go after Sir and He just shuts me out. Who would want to have any relationship, let alone an intimate one, with a crazy, sleep deprived, burned out, yelling redhead? No one I know. Not even me and I am talking about me. We have to make the time. It means turning off the computer sooner. It means going to bed earlier. It means sending the kids to my parents for an hour or so. It means dates out or dates in. It means we both put the effort forth.
School is in. I have been schooled. But, Sir is the principal. So maybe… I might get a trip to the principal’s office. Hmm… just had a very naughty thought.