Life is just a mess sometimes. I know that y’all know this. But, holy man. How much more is a girl suppose to take before she says UNCLE. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!! I have parents who are aging (as we all do). My mom is physically unable to do many things. She can not do steps, or walk further than a few steps. When she cooks she has to sit, because standing for her is very difficult. You get the idea. My dad, bless his heart, takes very good care of my mom. But, he recently injured his knee and required surgery. He can’t take care of my mom like he use to. So now it all falls on me. I am the only child in the area. My brother and his family live in Alaska. With a full-time job (6 days a week), part-time job, homeschooling my kids, and my parents needing me, let’s just say I am a little stressed.
I am not complaining. This is no poor me. There are times when we all feel like this. I am sure right now some of you reading this are like, girl, your days are a vacation compared to mine. I am just trying to give you a small picture into my days lately. By the time I get home, I am exhausted. I don’t seem to make nice dinners lately. I miss cooking. I don’t get to sit with my kids and just hang out. I love being with them. They make me laugh. And Sir? Sir who? I don’t get to see Him much. When I do, I feel like I have nothing left to give Him. He is such an understanding man. He knows I am stressed and tapped out. He will take what little I have and will not ask for more.
He will however, not take my crap. I was a brat this week. Two days in a row I was tired, stressed, and plain naughty. I let my mouth run my emotions. I ended up challenging Sir. And both times it ended with me on my knees and the crop on my behind. I know better. But, sometimes I find it hard to be one the one who runs everything for all those around her then switch that off when I get home. I know Sir is my safe place. I know that in my heart. I know that in my soul. For some reason, my brain, (yeah that oh so smart part of me) seemed to think otherwise. And when i got my punishment, (which I earned and deserved) I was really angry with Sir. Not because He punished me, but because I felt like He did not understand that I was stressed out. How about a little damn compassion for your stressed out wife? Yeah, bratty I know.
He was very understanding this week. He asked very little of me. But, for some reason I felt like I deserved and demanded more. Yep, the sub standing up and saying give me more damn it. I deserve it. And if any of you think this is a good idea? I will be the first to tell you demanding anything from your Dom, is a bad (and very stupid) idea. So why do it?
I felt resentful this week. That it all fell on my shoulders. I felt life was unfair. I felt like I needed more understanding from Sir. I was home most of the week. (when I was not with my parents) I got to spend time with my kids. I got to make dinner. I got to be home. I loved it and missed being a stay at home mom and wife.
In all honesty, I have been resentful for a few years now that I have to work so much. I like my job. But I hate that I have to go. I hate that I have to be the one who has to be there. I carry all the insurance. (mine is way better than Sir’s) I have the job with the constant income. (Sir’s job is seasonal and weather based) I hate that I have to work so much. (My schedule is 6 days a week) I hate it all. I work for a large employer who does not really know or care about their employees. We are just gears in the machine. Yes, each gear is important to the whole machine. But, when a gear breaks it takes very little effort to fix it. I have felt this way for years. And I am feeling more and more like this. And really, I hate it. I have even found myself resentful of my submission to Sir. I felt like who the hell does He think He is asking me for anything when I am so busy? Can’t He see I have nothing left to give?
I know that this is my service to my family. This is what i need to do for them right now. This is another way I serve Sir. I just sometimes feel very angry about it. And when I do I get into trouble. I let my anger take control. I get mouthy. I tell Sir that I don’t need Him. I tell Sir that I got this. But, in reality. This is when I need Sir the most. This is when I need to be good to myself and take time for me. This is when I need to be with my kids to make me laugh. This is when I need to be close to Sir and let Him calm me. This is when I need to just stand there in His arms, my face in His chest and let His calm be mine. This is the time I need all of them the most. This is when my submission is the most important. It reminds me that I am not alone. It reminds me that I don’t need to take it all on. It reminds me that I am cared for and loved and needed.
I am still resentful about it. Sir and I are looking into changing things. We need to wait for the right opportunity. Until then I need to continue to see what I do as service to Sir and our family. I need to take time for myself when I need it. I need to let Sir be my guiding force and my peaceful place. I need to ask and not demand my needs. I need to just let life be and let it take its course. I never know where it is going to take me.