(Curled up in Sir’s arms, my head on His chest, tears, after a particularly hard session)
Me: Sir, I am sorry.
Sir: Sorry for what?
Me: For not being able to do it. For not taking the pain. I failed.
Sir: You didn’t fail.
Me: I did. I couldn’t take it.
Sir: You took more than I thought you would.
Me: But I failed. I am not a perfect sub. A perfect sub would be able to do it.
Sir: Why don’t you let me be the judge of that?
Last week Sir and I played. We played hard. Harder than we had in awhile. And Sir pushed my limits. He pushed my limits in pain. As most of you know, I am not a painslut. I am a minor leaguer when it comes to pain. I like some pain. Note I say SOME. Enough to get the point across but not enough to distract me. Pain is a great motivator for me when it comes to punishment. But in play, not so much. Well Sir wanted to see where my “some pain” limit was. So He pushed. And He pushed hard. Well, hard for me. Hard enough to bring tears, more than once. But while He was pushing I struggled to not call out my safeword. I wanted to. More than once I wanted to. But I didn’t. Why? Very simply, my own stupid pride. My pride and my drive to be the perfect sub kept me from calling it out.
As I laid there is Sir’s arms my mind went in a thousand directions. I was not a failure? I was ok? What I saw as failure was actually a win in Sir’s eyes. I feel asleep exhausted and confused. The next day at work I was able to work a few things out in my head. And by the time Sir and I went to dinner that evening I knew I needed to apologize to Him. I had figured a few things out.
Figured out thing #1
Not calling out my safeword because of pride can cause me serious injury.
If I do not call out my safeword when my limits are pushed past what I am able to handle it can be cause injury. I know that Sir would never intentionally hurt me. He would never go out of His was to cause me bodily harm. He does have the right to push my limits and see how far I am comfortable. If I do not tell Him where that limit is then He could hurt me. He could cause me harm. And He would not know because I didn’t tell Him He was doing so. I have to trust Him. But He needs to trust me as well.
Figured out thing #2
Not calling out my safeword gives Sir an untrue limit.
I did not enjoy all of the play. I was not turned on by it or motivated for more. I was just hurting and distracted by the pain. So, what good does that do me or Sir? Well, none. If I had not come to these conclusions and talked to Sir about them the next day, He would have an untrue expectation of where my pain limit is. He would continue to push, and I would continue to be miserable. And who wins with that? No one. I need to let Him know the truth about where I am and where my limits are. Play in a scene should be something that leads to an enjoyable experience. It should not be some test of wills to see who can hold out the longest.
Figured out thing #3
Not calling out my safeword is lying to Sir.
I lied to Sir. Something that is not a good thing to do. Especially since pain is the main punishment in this house. I lied about what I am able to handle and what I enjoy. In truth, I did enjoy parts of the scene. I actually enjoyed most of it. But, when He pushed I lied by not calling out my safeword. I told Him that He was doing something good and enjoyable, when really it was not as all. Lies by omission are still lies.
Figured out thing #4 (This one Sir said to me at dinner.)
Not calling out my safeword makes me the failure I was afraid of being.
I was so afraid to be a failure at whatever I thought Sir wanted that I failed Him. I failed to be honest and forthcoming and trusting in Him and His compassion. I let my own pride control what I thought He wanted. If I was unsure I should have asked. I should have stopped the scene. I should have trusted in my Dom and His love for me as His sub.
Figured out thing #5 (Again said by Sir to me at dinner.)
There is no such thing as “the perfect sub”.
We will all make mistakes. He asked me if as a Dom if He was perfect. I said no. He told me He knew He would make mistakes. He said He needed to learn from them to be better. I am not the perfect sub. I know I am not. But I need to stop putting myself into this impossible mold of perfection. This is not about what I think the perfect sub is. This is about Sir molding me and growing me into the perfect sub for Him. I still need some work.
I did fail. But not the way I thought. I though Sir wanted something more from me. I thought He wanted someone who could take the pain. Someone tougher and stronger. I felt not taking it would be weakness. And weakness in myself is not something I take lightly or accept easily. (That is a whole other post in itself.) But my failing was not about being weak. It was about being to too strong and not letting go. Not trusting my Dom to know and understand me as I am. Not accepting myself for where I am at and allowing myself to become more.
Thank God I have an amazing Dom. We spoke about this at dinner. He was disappointed in me for not calling out my safeword if I felt I needed to. He was understanding about why I did not. He was accepting of my faults. He was able to be disappointed but use that to motivate me to do better the next time. His love and kindness allowed me to learn from my mistake and make me grow as His sub. He helped me to better understand myself. He helped me to see that even in my mistakes He still loves and accepts me. That makes Him the only Dom I need.